going home
by Yui Miyamoto
Summary: Rikuou finally reveals his deepest secret to Kazahaya.


[manga] gouhou drug - going home (one-shot, pg)

**Fandom: Gouhou Drug**

**Title: going home.**

**Pairing: Rikuou + Kazahaya**

**Description: Rikuou finally reveals his deepest secret to Kazahaya.**

**Disclaimer ****-**** Gouhou Drug isn****'****t mine, but Clamp-sama****'****s.**

After all these years, I took up my bags. I pulled on the collar of my coat and turned away from the only  
place that meant anything to me. It was the same as the day I turned away from the only place I could  
actually call my home even though we were not such a conventional family.

Quietly, I opened the door in the middle of the night and closed it firmly behind me. I walked and walked for miles. I didn't know how many weeks had passed and I didn't know where I was going, but I had to get away.

It was always the same. I had to get away or else it would catch up to me.

And now, no matter how much I needed to find a job or how much I needed to eat, I cowered in the shadows of an alleyway, coughing as the coldness of winter enwrapped me with its icy embrace.

I held onto the only bag I owned as I heard someone walk up to me.

I was too tired to even protest or protect myself. That's how weak I was. That's how much I wanted to  
give up then and there.

"Hey…" The man bent down and picked up my chin with his index finger. "You're pretty good looking."

I gave him a hard look for that. But still, I didn't feel threatened by his seductiveness. It seemed almost pleasant compared to everything else I had gone through.  
But as I looked deeply into his eyes, his expression softened into a smile. At first, he looked so fierce  
that it was so odd to have the same person do a 180 and almost appear trustworthy.

He leaned his head closer towards mine, unafraid of anything I might have done. "Would you like to work for me?"

**going home.  
By miyamoto yui  
**  
I wonder how long I can keep it up. I wonder how long can I keep up?  
Surely, this can't go on forever. I know that very well, and yet I still strive to make sure that they wouldn't know.

Especially you…

I turned my head and opened my eyes to the darkness. As my eyes adjusted themselves, I stared straight at your white, empty bed.

Yes, especially you…

Before I came home, I was walking downtown and stopped to watch some soap opera being promoted on some random tv in an electronics shop. Uneasily, I put my hands into my jacket as the cold wind blew. I didn't know why, but I just watched a woman confessing to a man. It was almost funny. I was always amused by how much people trivialized feelings that way.

Maybe it was me that I was more annoyed with. I simply liked blocking my feelings out to stop the pain. In order to stop the sweet memories that mixed with red blood, I sometimes had to push them out of my mind as if they never happened so that I could go on "normally" through the rest of the day.

Yes, walking on invisible glass was supposed to comfort me.

And now, as I was falling asleep, I could feel the tenseness that wouldn't let up. It was trapped inside of my body and made me unable to go to sleep peacefully. But being so used to this state, I closed my eyes while looking at your bed…  
**  
*/*/*/*/***

"Rikuou…Rikuou…" someone called out to me.

I was standing in my room while pulling my shirt to make sure I looked presentable before going to breakfast. I looked at myself in the mirror and tilted my head a bit with a confused expression encompassing my face.

Why? Why did this seem weird?

I just blinked at the mirror again and shrugged my shoulders as I turned away. I went to the kitchen to  
get breakfast. As I sat down at the dining table, there was Tsukiko with her usual wide grin sparkling  
in front of me while humming some song she had to learn for her next role.  
"Good morning," I greeted monotonously, yet politely, as I picked up the newspaper laid out for me on the table.  
She nodded her head while pushing the chopsticks to move the eggs around. I could tell because of all the sounds.

I always knew what she was doing.

"Rikuou, you have to test taste this," she said while bringing some of it between the chopsticks. She put  
her hand under the small pieces of scrambled eggs mixed with sliced mushrooms. She blew on it as she stood before me and leaned a little towards me. I looked up at her with a grumpy expression because I hated it whenever she treated me like an infant that needed to be fed.  
"Serious as usual," she laughed as I opened my mouth and wrapped the food with my tongue in order to chew it.

My eyes never left hers.  
She always mesmerized me with her eyes whenever she came close to me. I never got over how pretty I  
always thought she was.

Yes, Tsukiko. The woman with the red, red lips…

…whom I couldn't really kiss.

"Good?" she asked while standing there in front of me, unable to leave until I had given her an answer.  
I nodded my head. "Ah."

She nodded her head and went back to making breakfast as I raised the newspaper to read it once more. But as I read it, I was distracted. Nothing was making sense. Was I dizzy? I never felt so weird before.

Then, she screamed.

Before I even put the newspaper down, the blood was soaking onto the letters of the paper in front of me. I let go of the paper as I saw her eyes watching me helplessly.

I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.

***/*/*/*/***

I took a deep breath as I instantly got up from my bed. My eyes opened to the darkness and I found myself staring at Kazahaya's bed while gasping for air. I coughed and coughed until I calmed myself down.

But as my blurry eyes became clearer and clearer in vision, I looked at the vision before me in horror.

Kazahaya's bed was in tatters.

My eyes slowly took in the rest of the room. It looked as if an angered poltergeist had ransacked the room out of pure spite.

"I've done it again…" I mumbled to myself while covering half of my face with my hand while breathing  
slowly, but heavily. "But thank god he wasn't here."

He was probably on one of his midnight walks. I could probably fix this before he came back.

I kept this a secret from everyone. Only Tsukiko knew this happened to me and I had planned to keep it that way.

I got up and knelt on the floor to start cleaning up.

This didn't happen too often, but it was destructive. Whenever something affected me in a great way, my powers would go haywire. That's why I always tried to be calm, or at least, I appeared to be.

I got annoyed all the time, but to tell the truth, that's why I wouldn't allow myself to become too  
attached to anyone or anything. If I became too emotionally involved, then things like this would  
happen. Depending on the impact and weight of the emotions, it would be equal to how much force my body would use in killing everything around it except itself.

I thought I had it all figured out. Tsukiko helped me out somewhat, but it kept on coming out somehow.

And when I thought that it was almost gone or that the amount of force was finally minimized, Kazahaya showed up into my life. And whenever we did a mission, I found myself more and more concerned.

Though he gets mad at me with that beautiful face of his, I can't help but fall for it because he's such an  
idealistic idiot. How can someone like me resist someone who understands the things I cannot say? He was always so kind, like her…

"That's why I have to leave again." I mumbled to myself with my heart hanging heavily inside of me.

But as the door opened and the light seeped into the room, I took a deep breath. I turned away while  
trying to clean the room.  
"What happened?!" he shouted. "Are you okay? I'm going to tell-"

"No."  
"What?!"  
I turned around with a firm resolve. "NO."  
"Rikuou." He took a deep breath while looking at the scene before him. His eyes rested on me once more with disbelief written all over them. "You expect me to just walk in here and take this casually?"  
"You can't." I gulped.

I pleaded to him with my eyes.

"Why?" He came into the room and closed the door behind him. He leaned his back on it and it creaked behind his weight.  
I closed my eyes. "Just forget what you saw right now."  
"You're acting strange, Rikuou."

As he was walking towards me, I barked, "Don't come near me."

A table and both beds began to shake.

I opened my eyes once more and firmly begged, "Close your eyes and pretend you didn't see this."

This is my anger.

I am upset that I wasn't able to do anything that time. Will this ever end? Why am I so useless? Am I defined by what I do rather than by who I am?

"Rikuou…"

But this was Kazahaya. He would never listen to me. He always did as he pleased and that's what made him so awesome to me.

He came even though things were moving and flying in different speeds around us. Even though I tried to hold out my hands, he still walked towards me. Some sharp pieces of the broken mirror cut at his cheeks and he didn't flinch.  
"Stop!"  
"No!"

As I tried to get up, he came over and put his arms around me. I fell back onto the ground with Kazahaya hugging me. We looked at each other eye to eye.

"Stop shaking," he comforted me while calmly whispering into my ear. He caressed his cheek against  
mine. "What are you doing?"  
"You have to get away from me," I threatened while trying to push him away, but he held me tighter and  
tighter.  
"I'm not letting go."  
"You'll get hurt."  
"Then let me get hurt, Rikuou."  
"You baka! You don't know me!"  
"Because you won't let me!" And so he closed his eyes. "That's why I'm going to hold on for as long as I can!"

I took a deep breath as I looked at every direction except in his.

What was I going to do? Where would I go? Would I always runaway like this?  
I was tired.

I was so tired of not being able to say anything and keeping it all inside. I was so exhausted from not being able to do anything about everything…

"Why was I given this power?" I lifted up my hands and looked at both of them closely.  
"I don't know…" he responded as he looked at the ground. "I ask myself that everyday."  
"How long will I keep on running away? It won't ever end." I shook my head from side to side as I became frustrated, clenching my hands. When I opened my eyes tears finally came out.

I haven't cried for a long time. I didn't think I had any tears left since that time.

"When I was little, I was playing with the local children. Then one day, I got really angry because a  
couple of punks beat up my friends. And you know what? I don't remember anything after that,  
Kazahaya?" I took a deep breath as I put my hands on his arms for support. "All I remember is that the punks were beaten up while I was 'unconscious'. While I was 'asleep', my body acted on its own and that's when some people found out that I had telekinesis. Tsukiko-san wasn't scared of me, though. She still smiled at me, even when she was crying and telling me that we had to move away from our house. And you know what she said to me before we left? She looked into my eyes and told me to not worry. Things would be all right as long as I knew where my heart was. 'Don't ever stop being the Rikuou  
that I love.' "

We were silent as a million words were exchanged.

My heart was beating so fast and I was so scared. As scared as I was when I was little and found out the  
truth from Tsukiko, who was always so loving towards me. Like this, she held me as Kazahaya did on this night.

"So, from then on…" I put my hands in front of me again and looked at them. "I had to learn to  
control my emotions. I couldn't feel anything at all or else I would hurt someone. I thought I was doing  
well.  
"But one day, I had a very bad nightmare. That's when I found out why she wasn't scared. She had gone  
through all this before and still loved me. She always picked up all the mess before I woke up so that things would look like they always had.  
"On that day, though, she had some cuts that were bleeding through her clothing. I asked her what was  
wrong, but she said that she had some accident in one of her jobs. And that was the day she was murdered…  
"I killed her, Kazahaya."

I finally let out what I had thought all these years. That's why I needed to find the truth.

"Her body couldn't take the impact of my power because of all the abuse she had to go through. And then, those people that killed her wanted me because I had this monstrous ability to rip people with just my mind."

I leaned my head forward and sobbed.

I couldn't allow myself to feel anything. I had to live by myself. I am a monster, aren't I?  
I destroyed the only person that cared about me, and I didn't want that to happen again… 

"That's why I have to go, Kazahaya. Before I hurt you without meaning to…"

Now do you understand why I can't show any emotions? Do you now get why I can't show how much I care for you even though I want to?

"That's not the Rikuou that I know."

My eyes opened and I turned my head toward his. The hotheaded boy I was used to fighting with was starting at me with relentless eyes.  
"Kazahaya…"  
"Do you think that if you walk out that door without telling anyone will make us feel better? Do you think it'll make ME feel better?! Who made you out to be the martyr?" He then reached out and held onto my face. "The moment you saved me was the moment you pledged your soul to me, Rikuou. I will hunt you until the ends of the Earth because you can never get rid of me."

His eyelids flooded with tears. "I know more than anyone how hard it is to live with these powers and  
not try to hate yourself for them. I know more than anyone the suffering you've gone through because I've entered your head every time you've touched me. That's the only way I know what's going on.  
"And more than anyone, I know what it means to be left behind. And that's why I will hunt you. There's  
nothing you can hide from me because I won't allow myself to lose you!"

I sighed as more tears fell from his eyes.

He got up and pointed at me. "So if you think you'll be saving me from anything, you're wrong! If you were going to do this to me, THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT ME OUT TO DIE ON THE SNOW THAT DAY!"

He cried as he turned around to leave. I took his wrist and pulled him to the ground. He fell into my lap and pouted as he turned his face away from mine.

Inside, I was laughing. This blond, I swear…

Like my usual self, I rubbed my fingers through my hair in frustration and scolded, "Geez, you're always  
so loud, baka."  
Gently, he leaned against me and said, "So that you'll hear me."

Without words, we sat there thinking. Then, he pulled me up so that we could clean up the room. I held onto his hand and then let go.

As I watched him while sweeping the room, Tsukiko's words rang through my head,

_"__Don__'__t worry, Rikuou. There are a lot of people out there. One day, you__'__ll find another person who won__'__t be scared of you. They__'__ll love you even though you__'__re afraid of yourself because they believe in you as I do. Then, that will be the day that you will forget me because you__'__ll have grown up.__"__  
_  
When we finished cleaning up, Kazahaya closed his eyes while wiping the sweat off his forehead. I took his chin with my right hand and pulled him to kiss me.

"Rikuou! You pulled my chin too hard and now my jaw hurts! And you kissed me like you were gulping onto an oxygen tank-"

I feared the day he would become absolutely quiet because I loved the way he complained about everything.

"God, you're always so annoying." I kissed him all over again.

Thank you, Kazahaya.

Even if it'll take a long time to finally believe everything that has happened and will happen,

I don't have to run anymore.

I've found my way home again.

For the first time in a long while, awkwardly, I smiled at him gently.

I…will feel…everything. I can be human again…

And my eyes welled up all over again.

**Owari. / The End.**

**Author's Notes: **Ah, so here is another Gouhou Drug fic. I hope you have enjoyed it! I try to write as many Tokyo Babylon and Gravi fics (which is becoming difficult as time goes by) as I can while doing other titles once in a while. I have always enjoyed this title and so I share my love for it with you once more. I know that this may seem OC for Rikuou, but I usually do not write first person for GD; and so I thought I'd try something different for a change. It's strange because I always do first person perspective almost all the time. It is an easier form for me to write that than with third person. Also, I wanted to venture into something that wasn't so sweet. Right now, I want to expand my writing and experiment with different types of emotions. Yeah, I know it's very melodramatic, but I'd rather go more for sappy than angsty right now, k? ^_~  
**  
1/28/2005 2:37:52 AM**


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